In preparation for writing this article, I asked a couple of people outside of this line of work to ‘describe what dating violence or an abusive relationship looks like’. 

The answers I received are as follows: 

In the above response, we see the perception of what most individuals imagine dating violence to look like, obvious. Abuse, in public perception, looks like explosive anger, physical altercations, visible injuries, episodic behavior, and chaos. The issue with this perception is that it describes abuse as visible, something we would recognize if it happened right in front of us. We often imagine abuse through what it would look like in a scene, and while this does occur, it only captures a fraction of abuse, missing what it most commonly looks like.  

In the above response, we see the perception of what abuse most commonly looks like. Abuse is often subtle, quiet, controlled, strategic, and occurs in increments so small that one may not even notice it is happening. It is within this dynamic that we recognize coercive control as a systemic behavior of abuse. 

Coercive control is a form of abuse that gains power and control over a person through repeated behavior of intimidation, manipulation, and isolation. An abuser’s goal in using this tactic is to erode one’s autonomy, elicit fear in cultivating independence, create isolation from others, create control over one’s life, and reinforce dependence, guilt, and insecurity. Continuously projecting this behavior onto a person intends to create submission to the abuser until the victim no longer perceives their life and actions as their own.  

So how can we recognize this behavior? An abuser won’t always explicitly say how they want their partner to conform; they may enforce behavior through subtle commentary. 

Let’s look at some examples of the most common features of coercive control: 

Social Isolation

An abuser will create distance from the victim’s support systems, like friends or family, to enforce isolation and dependence.  

• “I just think it’s strange that you spend so much time talking to your family when you’re always complaining about how they treated you growing up. I don’t think they have your best interest in mind.” (Places abuser in a trustworthy position, while framing outside support as harmful by disclosing past issues for confirmation). 

• “I just don’t like your friends, I feel like they are always judging us.” (Shifts blame on others to reinforce isolation and discourage outside connections).  

• “Why are you talking about and bringing other people into our relationship? They’re just going to fill your head with negativity.” (Discourages external perspectives to reinforce emotional dependence). 

• “You don’t really need anyone else. Am I not enough for you?” (Uses guilt to frame isolation as intimacy). 

• “Your family and friends don’t care about you the way that I do!” (Creates a false perception of care that places the abuser on a pedestal and devalues other supportive connections). 

• “Why do you even use social media? I think it is pointless to be posting and scrolling on some app. You should really examine your priorities.” (Disguises control as guidance, limiting connection, visibility, and communication to others). 

Economic abuse

An abuser may enforce this by controlling the victim’s finances, prohibiting them from working, sabotaging job opportunities, and limiting access to material support.  

• “You don’t need to worry about the bills; I will take care of that for us.” (Removes financial autonomy from partner). 

• “Do you really need to buy that? I thought we were focusing on trying to save.” (Criticizes spending habits to create guilt). 

• “I don’t think you should take that job, you’re always so stressed and tired as it is.” (Discourages independence and frames control as care). 

• “I’ll just put everything under my name. It’ll be easier for us to keep track of.” (Removes access to assets). 

Threats and Intimidation

An abuser may use threats and intimidation to create fear, enforce obedience, and limit the victim’s ability to act independently.  

• “If you ever leave me, you’ll never find someone to love you like I do. What would you do without me?” (Creates fear and uncertainty about independence and leaving the relationship).  

• “I hope you don’t embarrass me in front of everyone.” (Enforces shame for previous mistakes, causing hypervigilance of actions).  

• “I’ve been really patient with you; you know how I get when I am angry.” (Uses past behavior for intimidation while praising current compliance, enforcing obedience). 

• “Nobody is going to believe you.” (Creates insecurity and uncertainty around speaking out for help). 

via GIPHY

Emotional manipulation

An abuser may create feelings of guilt, shame, or fear to maintain the victim’s obedience.  

• “I act this way because I love you so much.” (Reframes abusive behavior as signs of care and affection). 

• “You’re being too sensitive. Stop overreacting and think with your head!” (Invalidates emotions and shifts blame onto the partner for expressing how they feel). 

• “Well, I guess I’m just a terrible person then. I can’t do anything right.” (Avoids responsibility and positions partner to comfort and reassure the abuser through guilt). 
• “You’re remembering it wrong, that’s not what happened.” (Creates uncertainty in the victim’s memory and perception of events). 

In the above examples, we see that coercive control doesn’t always look dramatic or extreme. Coercive control is a form of abuse that doesn’t announce itself, which makes the behavior difficult to recognize when you are actively experiencing it. Coercive control can appear in casual, everyday conversations about friendships, family, money, safety, emotions, love, and much more. Recognizing coercive control in a relationship requires us to look past a single incident. Take note of patterns, changed behavior, power dynamics, inconsistencies, and ulterior motives. If you find yourself abandoning the things that are meaningful to you, questioning your choices, or feeling like your partner’s comfort is more important than your autonomy, please seek support. For some, that may look like acknowledging something is wrong, reaching out to a trusted person, documenting patterns, or receiving assistance from an agency serving survivors of abuse. Whatever step you choose to take, know that you are not alone and that help is out there.  

Resources 

(PDF) Beyond Physical Violence: Recognising and Fighting Coercive Control as a Form of Abuse 

https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse/forms-emotional-and-psychological-abuse-0#:~:text=Coercive%20control%20is%20a%20pattern,and%20take%20over%20your%20choices.